Today is my 20th birthday! That feels bizarre to type and even more bizarre to admit to myself. When I was younger, up until like four years ago, I would hear about my favorite celebrities turning 20 and think to myself “I’ll never be that old”. 20 seemed so fresh and luxe. If you were 20 you probably had a credit card and were living your most wildest dreams.
And in a weird way, I sort of am. Not the credit card part. But reflecting on my two decades of life, I see who I’ve become and I like her. Possibly better than that, I respect her. I don’t feel 20 because I can’t really claim all the nuances it bears. The thing is, I’ve never felt completely connected with any age I have ever been.
In high school I desperately grasped at my surroundings trying to be the most 15-year-old 15-year-old there ever was (or 16 or 17 or 18). Blame it on Americana culture, but I felt so pressured to revel in a quintessential teen experience that doesn’t exist. Like most things, we put weird boxes around age that sort of manipulate our expectation. I was always too young to be taken seriously and growing up too fast at the same time. I’m still chipping away at that.
Most people I talk to say your twenties are either irreplaceable or tragic. Come what may, I’ll embrace them as they unfold. I realized the more I let go of expectation about my age, I let go of expectation about my financial situation, my relationship status, my career path, my interests, my anxieties, my dreams. And I value that I learned that on my own.
Three hours into being 20, I’m watching DreamWorks’ Trolls on Netflix. There’s a birthday gift I bought myself sitting downstairs because I drove to Sephora in a manic rage when I found out my friends were busy on my birthday. I have to call the DMV in the morning. I ate the leftover half my Chipotle burrito bowl for lunch yesterday. I have a boyfriend that’s over the moon about me, but not as much as I am about him. I have trouble sleeping at night if I don’t take my allergy medication paired with melatonin supplements (like tonight). I wish some things were different. I hope some things stay exactly the same.
And right now, that’s 20 to me.
Personal blog posts like this are not to be expected. This is sort of interjectory. The goal of this blog is typically media and culture based discussion, because it is a genuine passion of mine. And if there was one resolution I had to make in this new year of my life, it would be to post more regularly. I have so much to say and I’m grateful for this small little platform. I actually started this blog about a year ago, so technically, happy birthday My Jawbreakers!